....................

Can’t find the answers
I’ve been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning

Promises have been turned to lies
Can’t even be honest inside
I'm running backwards
Watching my life wave me goodbye
Running blind
I’m running blind
Somebody help me see I’m running blind

Searching for nothing
Wondering if I’ll change
I’m trying everything
But everything still stays the same

I thought if I showed you I could fly
Wouldn’t need anyone by my side
I'm running backwards
With broken wings I know I’ll die
Running blind
I’m running blind
Somebody help me see I’m running blind

Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

(Running Blind - Godsmack)

Lightning Struck

On a cold, wet afternoon
In a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess
I was lost in the pages
Of a book full of death
Reading how we'll die alone
And if we're good we'll lay to rest
Anywhere we want to go

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there
Like a stone
I'll wait for you there
Alone

And on my deathbed I will pray
To the gods and the angels
Like a pagan to anyone
Who will take me to heaven
To a place I recall
I was there so long ago
The sky was bruised
The wine was bled
And there you led me on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there
Like a stone
I'll wait for you there
Alone
Alone

And on I read
Until the day was gone
And I sat in regret
Of all the things I've done
For all that I've blessed
And all that I've wronged
In dreams until my death
I will wander on

In your house I long to be
Room by room patiently
I'll wait for you there
Like a stone
I'll wait for you there
Alone
Alone

(Like a stone - Audioslave)

General Post Office - DUBAI

Philately used to be a hobby about a deacde ago. If nothing else, "first day covers" were the reason to go to the post office. I never thought this hobby would die such a miserable death after internet, browsing and email take over its simplicity and exclusivity. Electronic medium of postage has its advantages but I always thought these were few and shotrlived. Now, there is no reason to go to the Post Office as everything is available at the touch of a button or click of a mouse. So, today I made the decision of thinking a hundred times before going to the post office again. The reason however, was very non-electronic.

As I entered the post office after donkey years, I realized that the governement of Dubai is feeling the credit crunch the most because no one was being paid to clean the place. Probably they were waiting for everyone to leave before they get someone. There was paper in every shape and form lying on the floor for reasons unknown. Recycling has not been this city's favorite choice for saving the planet.

I took a number from one of the machines which says "Please take a number, and wait for your turn". This one had multiple options but were all taped and only one option was available which had the word "ALL" written on it. I took a number, a lucky "013" and thought of waiting which was of no use because I looked around and there was only one person waiting and there were 6 people on the service desks. I waited for a bit and realized that the numbers are not working and the person waiting is either insane or waiting for the post office to shut down so that she could sleep there. Whatever the reason I went ahead to one of the service representatives.

I: "Hi, I need to send these documents to Pakistan"
She-1: Mute. Looks around as if she has lost her doggie. Hands me a piece of paper to write the addresses and points to a place where I can find a pen. The mute mode continued all through.

I filled out the form and went back, this time there was someone else with She - 1 so I went to She - 2.

I: "Hi, I have filled this out, can I have a big envelope please?"
She - 2: "No, we dont have any"
I: "Ok, but .................... "
She - 2: Looking at me with with her eyes clearley saying "That aint my f!@#% problem"
I: Already had an old, half torn envelope so thought of saving my sanity for a rainy day. "Ok, can I send it in this envelope?"
She - 2: "Yes, sure. Write the address on it". Mute. Points to the same place to find a pen.
I: "Do you have any glue?", I asked.
She - 2: Head down concentrating on something which was obvisouly much more important. "There only".

I did what I had to do to make sure everything was ok. Came back, this time both She -1 and She -2 were busy. They were not busy helping a customer, but busy ignoring my presence. So, I went to She -3.

I: Standing in front of her. She is focussed on the monitor trying to read something which obviously was in a foreign language - english. Ignores me with a permanent hostile face expression which gave me a feeling that she had Botox during PMS. No Hi/Hello this time. "I need to send this to Pakistan"
She - 3: After about 9 seconds takes the envelope from me (still trying to figure out what language is on the screen) weighs it, finds out the amount and looks at me. No word. Mute.
I: To myself, 20.25. I took out a dh 50 bill and a dh 1 coin and gave it to her to get back 30.75 because I did not want 4 extra coins. No word. Mute
She - 3: Takes the 50 and the 1, puts it in the register. Counts. Counts harder. And counts again. After three attempts she takes the calculator and punches:
"50 + 1 =" 51 "- 20.25 = " 30.75
Takes a dh 20 and dh 10 bill and looks at me.
I: Thinking that maybe she wants a tip or something. But realized she does not want to put in the effort to get me the rest of the change.

I: "Dont worry about the .75".

I: walked out, mute.

Voodoo

I'm not the one who's so far away
When I feel the snake bite enter my veins.
Never did I wanna be here again,
And I don't remember why I came.

Candles raise my desire,
Why I'm so far away.
No more meaning to my life,
No more reason to stay.

Freezing, feeling,
Breathe in, breathe in...
I'm coming back again...

I'm not the one who's so far away
When I feel the snake bite enter my veins.
Never did I wanna be here again,
And I don't remember why I came.

Hazing clouds rain on my head,
Empty thoughts fill my ears.
Find my shape by the moonlight,
Why my thoughts aren't so clear.

Demons dreaming,
Breathe in, breathe in...
I'm coming back again...

I'm not the one who's so far away
When I feel the snake bite enter my veins.
Never did I wanna be here again,
And I don't remember why I came.

(Voodoo, Godsmack)

Return to source

Remo had no intentions of reading the entire newspaper. Normally he would read only the headlines in the restroom. Today he was having a hard time just holding it. Last night flashed in front of him and all he could remember was his last drink. Its back to work today and the hangover is killing his nerves. He put the newspaper down after reading the quote of the day - "All that lives a life, lives a journey back to its source - anonymous".

********

Lavina had her final research paper due tomorrow. World Theology was not her favorite subject, but she had to complete enough credits to graduate. Bored with the subject she started reading the college newspaper. 'The world is coming to an end' she thought after reading the news about all the wars. She then put the paper on the table after reading the quote of the day - "All that lives a life, lives a journey back to its source - anonymous".

********

Boisa was a small college town. Not many knew it existed. Those who visited as travelers would get spell bound by its outer glow and natural beauty and leave with everlasting memories. Those who stayed spent a lifetime understanding its unusual charm and mysticism that lied within its streets and homes. Many however, were lost travelers as there weren’t too many roads that led to Boisa.
In the centre of the town was the only college, "The Wedgelonk". The student population of the college was not that high - one because it was difficult to pass the admission test and two because very few people knew about Boisa. The college had many education disciplines but the really good ones were department of music and department of religious studies. Students were proud to be part of this college and moreover to be part of Boisa.

****************

"Today's gonna be a looong day", thought Remo after getting out of the restroom. As an RJ, Remo played hard rock music for the Wedgelonk's radio station. He had a 1hour slot, twice every 4 hours. This not only paid for his expenses but as a student majoring in music, this was the best job he could get and he knew it. He would listen to his favorite music all day long and understand it during classes. He was living a dream in reality.

Like every human, Remo would look for inspiration and for a good reason too - he had to choose a theme for his radio program everyday. When it came to hard-rock music he was brilliant and never took much time to come up with something new and refreshing. He had a huge collection of FLAC files that he had collected over the years. Today however, his mind was completely blocked. As he approached to the radio station to start his hour he realized he did not have a theme.

Remo knew the college loved him. He could play anything he wanted and everyone would get entertained. But he had a reputation to carry. For him, his reputation and self integrity was beyond everything. He looked around and asked questioned the materials for inspiration but nothing. He then looked at the daily college newspaper once again. The quote read: "All that lives a life, lives a journey to its source".

As the students came out of their classes they were pleasantly surprised to hear classic rock on the radio. Remo just kept playing what started it all - from rock n roll to blues rock to jazz rock to punk to grunge. He went through a journey of realization. He understood what the quote meant. There was however, more to this realization.

********

This was Lavina's last semester. As an average student she had spent most of her time in college hanging out with friends and lazing out in her apartment. She was not particularly interested in going to classes and hence bunked almost all of them. 'This is the reason I cannot think of a topic. If only I had attended the classes', she thought. It was however too late to think. It was time to act.

She took the 'learners walk' to the Wedgelonk library. Legend had it that some of the most learned and successful alumni walked the ‘learners walk’ to the library. As Lavina crossed it, she felt safe as if the long stream of leaning trees bowed on both sides in her presence and covered her path from the outside as she went on a mystical journey of learning. She entered the library full of inspiration.

Browsing through various journals and books she could not find anything worth writing a paper on. She did not take any classes today thinking that she will have enough time to complete the research paper. Every book she picked, she would read a few pages and put it back on the shelf. She then picked a translation of Rumi's Masnavi and read:

I died as inanimate matter and arose a plant,
I died as a plant and rose again an animal.
I died as an animal and arose a man.
Why then should I fear to become less by dying?
I shall die once again as a man
To rise an angel perfect from head to foot!
Again when I suffer dissolution as an angel,
I shall become what passes the conception of man!
Let me then become non-existent, for non-existence
Sings to me in organ tones, "To him shall we return"

After reading the poem, Lavina remembered the quote of the day: "All that lives a life, lives a journey to its source". In the next few hours she finished the research paper. It was titled "RUMI - a spiritual journey back".

********

Remo finished his classes and the radio hours for the day. He was happy he learned something new and understood the importance of how everything that starts, finally ends with a search of how it began. He unlocked his BMX, his headphones ready and off he went back home. He was listening to "The Beatles" and was admiring the origins of Rock music.

Lavina emailed her research paper back to the professor. Her eyes glowed with happiness for the achievement. She gave credit to the 'learners walk' and to the quote of the day. She learnt the importance of life and it’s longing to return back to its source. She started her car and zoomed through the streets of Bosia.

*******

Ethan picked the college newspaper and read the main headline to Julie.

'Two students die in an accident'

Remo had taken a sharp turn around the corner of the road. The music was too loud and he did not realize there was a car coming from the other side of the road. He tried to save himself but could not control the bicycle and went straight through under the tires of the car.

Lavina realized that she was going to hit someone on a bicycle, she tried to save him and moved the car in another direction but it was too late. The bicycle slipped through with Remo under the tires of her car and in an attempt to save the guy she hit head-on into a tree.

"That really is sad. Hope they have returned peacefully", sighed Julie.

"Yeah. Oh! There is a mistake. The quote of the day has been repeated. It was there in yesterday's edition as well"

Prague again

I love this city. I have realized that. There has to be a reason for visiting Prague twice in three months (another wonderful plan from the Almighty). I was not really fascinated as I was the last time but then I visited Prague Castle and St. Vitus Cathedral. More then being fascinated again I felt like a looser for not visiting it the last time.

Prague is a great place to visit. It has been a bit cold but not as much as people told me. Interesting stuff during this visit:

- Palladium Mall: With 200 shops this is a pretty big mall, but then living in Dubai this is not something worth talking about. What is worth talking about is that it was toooo expensive. I mean a pair of Puma shoes for $150. No way.

- I can hear great music through my hotel window as a band plays across the street in a bar.

- During a break I asked a waitress if the sandwhiches had any sort of FAFM (forbidden animal for muslims) in them. She said something in czech and walked away. I did not eat the sandwhiches. As she spoke to her colleague I felt that she felt embarassed for not understanding what I said. I was also embarassed - not because I did not understand what she said but because my question put her in an unpleasant situation.

- Our team name was Segailona (or something similar) which means masturbation in Italian. There was another team with an italian name translated in English as asshole.

- This time I got high on Sprite which was quite boring compared to Apple flavored fanta.

- Goulash soup was amazing.

- The waiter at one of the restaurant had to take the food back twice because it had some kind of FAFM in it.

- After getting bored of watching and not understanding a word of french television, I switched to two of the greatest channels in the world - CNN and BBC. In my life I have never watched either of them as much as I have in three days. The question was: "What is happening with the economy".

- Friday prayer was interesting. I reached the mosque at 12:00 expecting that the prayer would start at 12:30. There were only 3 people in the mosque (the mosque could hold about 80 people). I figured that there are not too many muslims in Prague. After performing ablution I asked one of the guys about the time for Juma prayer. He said 13:30. For the first time in my life I reached the mosque and hour and a half early for a prayer. As I waited for the Azan I realized that the mosque had filled up with a lot of people. As the jamaat started, there were two rows created within one. There was no place for Rukoo let alone sujood. I realized that there would have been at least 140 people in the mosque.

Sarah Palin - the debater

Got this from a friend.
I get a feeling the world would come to an end quicker if republicans come back into power. Not that I have a soft corner for the democrats - it might just take a little more time. I cannot imagine but if McCain dies and Sarah becomes the president? Scary.

Rejoice ...

Goddamn this dusty room
This hazy afternoon
I'm breathing in this silence like never before
This feeling that I get
This one last cigarette
As I lay awake and wait for you to come through that door
Oh maybe, maybe, maybe I can share it with you
I behave I behave I behave so I can share it with you

You are not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remember this
So stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know
I'm not alone dear loneliness
I forgot that I remember this
So stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know

And I dream about somewhere, a smoke will fill the air
As I lay awake and wait for you to walk out that door

I can change, I can change, I can change
But who you want me to be?
I'm the same, I'm the same, I'm the same, what do you want me to be?

You are not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remember this
So stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know

I'm not alone dear loneliness
I forgot that I remember this
You're not alone dear loneliness
You forgot but I remember this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know

I'm not alone dear loneliness
I forgot that I remember this
Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened I know

(Stranger Things - foo fighters)

Sarah Palin Emails

Although I am totally against invasion of privacy but then I am not much of a republican. So here is the link for those who missed the action.

http://wikileaks.org/wiki/Sarah_Palin_Yahoo_account_2008

Stupidity at its best.

Beyond the mirror

Honesty has a sad side. It is painful and unbearable at times. Within this sadness their is a sigh of relief because a truth gets unearthed and everything gets clear. Their is a path that leads to this truth. Happiness on this path is a prostitute that satifies only if paid and that too for a very short time. Questions on this path are like thorns that can either bruise or pierce right through. The honesty lay in the asking not in the answering.

It is hard to dismiss a fact, because it is tangible once apparent. Interestingly the same fact was always a reality but was unacceptable because it had no shape and stood only on a broken structure of words. Words, that give meaning to all that exists, can entangle everything if not respected. Playing the game is not an option but that is where the fascination lies. Like an unopened birthday present; an untouched, fully clad woman.

Getting rejected is not as bad as getting dismissed for having thoughts that mean nothing. It is a human trait not to understand what lies beyond the mirror image. What is to be believed? The left is actually right and the right is actually left. Is this the fact? Is this honest? Is this true? This is painful. This is unbearable. It all means nothing. Dismissed.

Fade alone

How can I see what lies beyond the waterfall? Is the sky actually blue behind the thick black clouds? Why is this road so hazy and indefinite? Why is the shadow always black even if there are colors on the inside? Does it reflect the inner ugliness or the beauty of universal unity? Does it really exist or is it just an uncertain imagination of my fading memory? Is it the memory or me that fades? Is this the last phase? Why cant I remember?

There is so much to recall. So much to live for. So much color - all over, all around and yet, the shadow remains black and eternally dark.

Seasons sigh me, years try me. Life is a fairy tale - this as well as that - abstract and dishonest. Death is authentic, tangible and trustworthy.

Today, no companion in sight. I fade alone ...........................................

South Africa

Day 1
A 10 hour flight was really tiring to get to Cape Town. The good part however, was emirates airlines and the ICE entertainment system. I must say, although expensive, Emirates is a really good option when traveling long distances. For a tall pole-like structure like myself, leg room is never enough, but there were enough movies and programs to keep me entertained.
When I walked to the exit doors of the aircraft, the cool breeze on my face reminded me that I was NOT in Dubai. The fresh clean air refreshed my lungs and I started breathing a new life. My happiness however, was short lived. After getting in the bus to be transferred to the terminal I checked my bag and did not find my passport. I was not shocked, or depressed or thinking where did it go. I was ashamed of myself that after traveling so much around the world I still managed to lose my passport. Got off the bus (which meant I had to stand in immigration line for 45 minutes because I was the last in the queue) and asked the security to check the seat pockets. And wholaaaa it was there. I must say I was praying all through.

Cape Town:
First Impression
Very Scenic – the locals may not feel the same way (or they probably do and I am not aware of it) but Cape Town is actually a beautiful city. Surrounded by mountains (Table Mountain being the most prominent) and the ocean it is the ideal place for a peaceful holiday or retired life. One could just sit on a bench near the beach drive and admire the sun dying in the ocean on one side and Table mountain on the other with people walking and jogging all around.
Crime is a big problem in South Africa. Cape Town however, is a touch better. If you read too many blogs or reviews about a city you tend to believe what people write without giving consideration to the fact that every person’s experience is different. I was a bit scared (to be honest) when walking on the streets with people staring at you. I have worked at gas stations and have never seen a sign-board saying: “Keys to the safe are not kept on site”. But, it was ok.

Day 2
Table Mountain (Disappointment):
I took a cab to Cable Mountain to find out that the Cable Car was closed because it was too windy. Bloddy hell. It was however, a beautiful day. It was sunny with a bit of wind. Perfect for anything a human/animal heart desired. Disappointed, I headed to the V&A waterfront (kinda like the Dubai Marina, only bigger) and took a ferry to the Robben Island.
Robben Island:
The Alcatraz of South Africa. When the people of “NO COLOR” ruled South Africa, this was a place for political prisoners (actually it was a maximum security prison before that and a whole bunch of history which can be found on Wikipedia). Nelson Mandela spent 18 years in this prison on this Island. It is 7-14 kms from Cape Town. I was like “why didn’t the prisoners just swim?”. I realized soon that Cape Town is famous for Great White Sharks.
The ride on the ferry was worth the bumps. A u-turn look towards the city gives a breath taking view of the Table Mountain guarding the city. After arriving on the island the guide took us on a bus ride through the Island. Later we were taken around the prison by an ex-prisoner. He (pity, but I don’t remember his name) was in the prison for 5 years. He was 16 when he came to the prison. Some of his experiences:
- There were prisoners on the Island aged 13 to 65.
- Many prisoners were brought to the Island even if they mentioned the name of an anti-apartheid movement
- The prisoner (guide) during interrogation was put on a seat with his hands tight behind and two guys stretching his legs sideways
- His tongue was pulled with tongs. At nights he would feel he would choke to death and his ears were filled with infection
- Tubes were inserted through his male organs.
- One day instead of serving porridge, they were served bread, beans and rice. Most of them waited to see if this was a game as they did not believe their eyes. Finally, as humans, they gave in and had as much as they could eat. The beans had something that caused diarrhea. The cells did not have toilets but clay pots. They slept in their own feces for days. Finally the guards were kind enough and gave them a bath - with a fire hose.
- The only thing that made them going after all the humiliation and pain was Nelson Mandela and the dream of a country where all humans black or white, color or no color would live together without any racism.

I saw Nelson Mandela’s cell. Restrooms are bigger in size.

I found some reasons and a lot of disappointment on my way back – reasons behind all the racism in the country and to a large extent around the world; disappointment because nothing has changed. Those who actually struggled had a peaceful agenda. Others have just misunderstood it.

Cape Point:
I took a taxi to Cape Point - the extreme southwestern point of Africa. Again, it is extremely scenic. The taxi driver was from Bangladesh and it was nice chatting to him. He charged me a bomb for the ride because this place was an hour and a half from the city (why am I complaining?). But it was worth it. As you walk up the mountain the scenes around are just heavenly. This is also the place where the two oceans Atlantic (cold) and Indian (warm) meet but this is questionable. However, this place is thought to have created many problems for sailors in the past.

Day 3
Shark Diving:
As a kid if you have ever watched JAWS, you would know how scary this can get. I was face to face with them. False Bay in Cape Town has hundreds of White Sharks. And yes, they are scary. One of them actually held onto the diving cage. They fly (literally) out of the water to eat the seals (who are stupid to live around the area where there is nothing in sight but water and sharks). I forgot to take pills for sea sickness and suffered quite a bit because of that.

Day 5
Table Mountain:
Finally I got the chance to go to the Table Mountain. I was really disappointed with the short Cable Car ride though. It lasted for only 3-5 minutes – unlike the somewhat scary Cable Car ride in Langkawi, Malaysia. It was however worth going up there and taking a look at the city. I was told (and I read on many websites as well) that a jacket is needed. My hands and face were not really happy with the decision of taking only a sweater.

Day 6
Two Oceans Aquarium:
I only went to the aquarium on the last day because I had nothing else to do.

Day 7
Flight to Jo’Burg.
The worst flight of my life. I was reciting the “kalma” all through. The night before a plane had crashed in Madrid and I was following the news. I have been through bumpy and turbulent flights but this 2-hour flight was turbulent all through. At times the flight would get smooth and the “kalma” would stop but then within a few seconds turbulence would come back and so would the “kalma” (I mean if I was going to die I’d rather die with a chance to go to heaven then no chance at all). The food tray fell off from the table and there was an announcement made for oxygen masks (which was good and bad – good because oxygen mask was not needed and the announcement was stupid; bad because what if they were needed and it had malfunctioned?). In any case this was the worse flight of my life. I was not even listening to music.

Car Rent:
I booked a car online to be picked up from Jo’Burg without having an international driving license. I must say after the bumpy flight I was lucky all through. Not only did they give me a car by simply looking at my US driving license (which was going to expire in 5 days) they gave me a car I was not expecting – Mercedes C180. I had booked a basic automatic car which normally is a Toyota corolla or KIA but like I said “I felt lucky”. Driving on the right-side for the first time of my life was a bit weird in the beginning but then it was my lucky day. I got directions to Sun city (Pilansberg National Park was close to it) and bid goodbye to one of the most crime ridden cities in the world. I must say it was very unusual because I was driving on the wrong side of the road (to me it is wrong), on the wrong side of the car, in a car I was not expecting, with directions to a city I had never been to but I still felt I would reach the destination without hassles. I felt a bit lost numerous times because the sign boards are not clearly marked but I reached Pilanesberg without any issues.

Day 8
Pilanesberg:
Pilansberg National Park is one of the best places for private safari in South Africa with ample Big 5 (South Africa is famous for the BIG FIVE - Rhinoceros, Leopard, Cape buffalo, Elephant and Lion) all around the park. The hotel I was staying in is located just outside the entrance to the park. The room was great with a sliding door at the back that led to the outside with a great view.
I went for a full day safari. I must say the experience was mixed. Good because I got a chance to see animals in their natural habitat and not on Discovery Channel; disappointed because I did not see all of the Big 5. I did not see any Lions, Leopards or the Buffalo. On the other hand I had a Cheetah – to eat. It was served in the hotel as a delicacy at dinner time. Needless to say it did tickle my palate in the most absurd and nasty way possible.

Sun City:
I am out of words here. It is such an experience to walk through the City of the Lost Palace hotel and see the beautiful domes and pillars from the outside and a gigantic dining area for high tea on the inside. This is the place where many beauty pageants take place. All I saw were kids and families though. No models.

I, let it die?

I stand in front of the mirror and hear this song. Someone from the mirror sings it to me as if it is a reminder of what is lost. The eyes from the mirror look directly into mine and speak nothing but the truth. My eyes on the other hand have been affected by the death of the spirit - spirit, that can be anything ranging from love to honesty to trust to simplicity to truth; anything virtuous, potent, prestigious; an honest thought that was born, but never grew. I question, but I only hear.

------------------------------------------------------

Heart of gold but it lost its pride
Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes
I've seen your face in another light
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
In too deep and out of time.
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

A simple man and his blushing bride
Intravenous, intertwined
Hearts gone cold your hands were tied
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
In too deep and out of time.
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Do you ever think of me?
You're so considerate.
Do you ever think of me?
Oh, so considerate.

In too deep and lost in time
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Beautiful veins and bloodshot eyes
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

Hearts gone cold and hands were tied.
Why'd you have to go and let it die?
Why'd you have to go and let it die?

(Let it Die by Foo Fighters)

(Probably written for Kurt Kobain)

------------------------------------------------------

As it reaches the peak of its strength (do you every think of me?) my weak body gives up and cannot hear anymore. What was lost and what speaks through the mirror, I realize, is nothing else but the spirit.

Muscat - 2

Compared to my earlier post about Muscat, I have something better to write. I went to Barr al jissah (the "7 star resort" in Muscat) for dinner. The place is worth the visit just for a look; ocean on one side surrounded by mountains on the other and three hotels in the middle.

The drive up the mountain to the resort was nice except that it reminded me of Jabal al Hafeet in Al-Ain so it was not a fascination that would not let me sleep at night. Simultaneously, I can't complain too much because I was not driving which gave me an opportunity to look around and admire this part of the earth.

Needless to say that my overall time in Muscat was spent as a combination of boredom, then more boredom and then a friend coming to the rescue (yeah !!! I might be boring in going alone to places but not boring enough to go to a resort alone for dinner).

As always, there was a lot to learn from this trip as well. I might be able to put that into words some day. Or I might just keep it to myself.

Muscat - 1

I really dont have much to write about this city. Muscat today is like Dubai 15 years ago. I feel I have seen this kind of city in the past.

People should be credited for being down to earth and original - very unlike Dubai.

All in all, Muscat is quite boring. Not because I live in Dubai and Muscat can't be my cup of tea, but I feel everything is laid back and slow.

- the HIGH SPEED INTERNET is not higher than 512K.
- buildings cannot be taller than 7 stories (or 8 maybe?)
- men wear two sperate head coverings; an Omani cap casually and a traditional turban for work and formal outings. An Omani colleague mentioned that his head feels naked without one.

Those are the only facts I could gather. I still have two more days here, maybe, just maybe there would be something worth mentioning.

Prague - Day 1

o2:00 (Dubai Standard Time) The airline, Lufthansa is the worst in the world. It was delayed for an hour and they forgot to load some kind drinks trolley. Probably, the only brown guy on the flight and people were looking at me as if I'm hiding something or everything about me was uncool. Good thing was, I slept a bit during the flight and it was really uncomfortable. I ate a vegetarian sandwich (I know the world would not believe this but I did) because of the fear that it would not be Halal. When the old PIA type air hostess served breakfast I saw SAFA yoghurt which gave me hope that the food would be halal cause it got made in Dubai. I then ate the sausage as well. (It tasted like chicken but then "ab to kha liya")

07:15 (Franfurt Standard Time)
Reached Frankfurt. One needs an aircraft to fly from Gate C to Gate A. Walking was nothing less than a 5 mile marathon. It was a 1 hour flight from Frankfurt to Prague and it took off 45 minutes late. Interestingly, it landed in 45 minutes.

09:45 (Prague Standard Time)
Reached Prague. Took a cab and off to the hotel. The city is beautiful. Typical european architecture with roads going in all directions and some of them never tasted asphalt (which is just amazing). I waited for a while before the room was prepared and met some new people from the team. I was so happy that the lady at the reception was hitting on me until I saw a ring in her left hand finger (or was it right hand ???) and as always all my dreams of getting a foreing begum went down the toilet. She was nice to everyone (bloddy hell !!! I am such a desi )

12:00 (Prague Standard Time)
Went around Prague. The old town square, the astronomical clock were the main attractions today, not to mention women - not a very classy way to say it but a fact. It was really interesting to walk the streets of Prague with an Israeli and actually seeing a synagogue (from the outside only, as there was no time to go in). There was nothing different about the walk and it made me realize once again that only humanity unites us and everything beyond is a reason for giving birth to differences.

19:00
Trip to a brewery. Yeah I know, the binge drinker that I am brewery was the first place I wanted to go. I had 4 glasses of fanta (apple flavor). But I had fun. People from all over europe were together, drinking and having fun and I was part of it (not the drinking part, ofcourse!!!) After coming back to the hotel I found myself in the bar again. This time however, I was drinking something really interesting - iced tea, with a shot of peach and lemon.

00:00
Except for the time I slept in the airplane (which was hardly any) I was awake for almost 40 hours. I was dead to the world within seconds of going to bed. zzzzZZZZZZZZZZ

Birthday Song

live in my head for just one day
i see myself and look away
the road is showing now on my face
soon i'll disappear
i'd disappear with
i'd disappear without a fuckin trace

faces that i've seen turn old and grey
i've lost too many friends along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away

i wish that i could disappear
unzip my skin and leave it here
so i could be no one again
and never let nobody
i'd let nobody
i'd let nobody in

faces that i've seen turn old and grey
i've lost too many friends along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away

so now the walls are closing in
because in life you sink or swim
sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
feel like a book that can't be
a book that can't be
a book that can't be read

faces that i've seen turn old and grey
i've lost too many friends along the way
memories i never thought would fade
they fade and blow away

(Blow Away - Staind)

Do I ?

As I sit here and slowly close my eyes
I take another deep breath and feel the wind pass through my body
I'm the one in your soul, reflecting inner light
Protect the ones who hold you, cradeling your inner child

I need serenity in a place where I can hide
I need serenity, nothing changes days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we re-light the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

Tragic visions slowly stole my life
Tore away everything, cheating me out of my time
I'm the one who loves you no matter wrong or right
And everyday I hold you
I hold you with my inner child

I need serenity in a place where I can hide
I need serenity, nothing changes days go by

Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we re-light the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control

(Serenity by Godsmack)

Certainty, unknown.

The year has been very different, strange, unknown, unimaginable - a revolutionary combination. Life does not just take but also gives, and this past year reminds me that I am a living example of such a life.

There is too much confusion when I think of the past year. I have answers to questions I don't need and questions to which I have no answers. Also, questions I thought would diminish and fade without a discernible realization were answered with certainty in a matter of seconds, while answers that I was actually looking for lay wild in some corner of my imagination. Only now I have this hope that time will answer them. Every question cannot have an answer - faith is an example. Unusual, but I now have faith in that.

As days have passed, I have learnt. This learning has either merely tickled my memory or has startled my imagination and jolted my existence. Unusual, but this has not simply befuddled me but also helped me decipher my own imagination, therefore leaving me in a state of flux.

I have learnt from time and what a teacher time is? I have tried to understand the depths of its variations and have failed on every occasion. Unusual, but I have learnt nevertheless to comprehend and appreciate the beauty of its change - like seasons - thereby giving hope of betterment and another opportunity.

I have learnt from humans who are as different and unique as the wave born from the death of a drop. They have taught me so much and yet I am not content and want to know more with a strange fear that one day I will give up and would not be able to contain any more. I have learnt, to love and feel it, to hold and be held, to raise and rise, to believe and be believed, to see through and beyond. Unusual, but respectively I have also learnt, to hate and feel it, to let go and be gone, to descend and fall, to question and be questioned, to be blind and hide.

I have grown another year and life has given me every opportunity to know more. Will I get what I desire in the time to come? Its a question unanswered, a certainty unknown.

....... mangoes a day?

I rarely find time to thank God. Not because I'm too busy but I feel it is just never enough because I keep losing count for everything I need to thank Him for. My list of "things" go on and on and the rest is a never ending story. Items in this list are not really ordered and it keeps changing all the time - depending on time, mood etc. Also, I group things because some of the things need to be thanked equally and the others can wait. One of the things that can wait is Summer and for this reason it is in the last group. Ironically, it is during the Summer season that I move Summer to the priority group and thank God for it.

Summer, particularly in Dubai, is a test of human patience and an advance screening of the day of judgement. However, it is after this test that the fruition of human mission in this world is determined. Similarly, it is during peak summer that the fruit of heaven satisfies and blesses the human race with its prescence, color, smell and heavenly taste.

Every time I open the refrigerator during summer, I see nothing but gold. It's just that this gold is consumed as an ornament of the palate and if used in excess can be heavy on the stomach. For me, I just cannot have enough of it. Its like antibiotics - 2 in the morning; 2 in the afternoon; 2 at night; after food; for 2 months.

The pleasure and satisfaction of eating a mango is beyond words and limitations of this blog. I can feel my eyes shine when they see it; my hands pleased with its shape; my taste buds praying in anticipation; my stomach wanting more and more.

I just cannot thank God enough for Mangoes. If He forgives for simply thanking Him, I'd be the most forgiven person on the planet - of course, only during the summer.

Open for interpretation

Follow your common sense
You cannot hide yourself
behind a fairytale forever and ever
Only by revealing the whole truth can we disclose
The soul of this bulwark forever and ever
Forever and ever

Indoctrinated minds so very often
Contain sick thoughts
And commit most of the evil they preach against

Don’t try to convince me with messages from God
You accuse us of sins committed by yourselves
It’s easy to condemn without looking in the mirror
Behind the scenes opens reality

Eternal silence cries out for justice
Forgiveness is not for sale
Nor is the will to forget

Virginity has been stolen at very young ages
And the extinguisher loses it’s immunity
Morbid abuse of power in the garden of eden
Where the apple gets a youthful face

You can’t go on hiding yourself
Behind old fashioned fairytales
And keep washing your hands in innocence

(Cry for the moon - Epica)

Happy Daddy Day

Everyone on Facebook is really excited about Father's day. Everyone had status updates congratulating all the fathers of the world for .......... well, being a father. I did not update my status. Honestly, I did not even know it was father's day. After reading so many status updates I felt a little selfish and uncool for not remembering this important day. And if this was not enough my dad reminded me that it was father's day and that too after watching an emotional piece of poetry on GEO tv. Yeah, I was quite embarassed.

For some reason I have never really understood these "DAY"s. I think that these days are just meant to make people think that one day is enough to make parents happy for what they do for their children. For all the sacrifices and pains they go through in their lives to make the world a better place for the child, one day is enough during the year to thank them. After chatting to someone and thinking about it, I realized that I might be a little wrong here.

Every human being needs importance. Now, I am not talking about people who actually try to get importance. I am talking about people who do not expect anything. Such beings are rare to find. Most parents, however, can be classified in this category of beings. They dont expect anything which is why they should be given that much extra importance.

When a child is born, it is weak and useless. In time it gets the importance and love and when ignored the child finds a way (usually through extreme shrieking repetitive sounds known as crying) to get the attention. There are times when parents are busy with life to make it better for the child and this makes the child feel ignored and neglected. However, as the child grows, he/she does not require the importance and attention and likes to be free and independent. Parents, however, get old but dont grow with the child. This results in their perception of the child as the same weak, useless being waiting to get the attention. However, children can take their own decisions and do not require parents any more. Interestingly, it is these times when parents need attention. They need to feel that their existence means something in the life of their child even if they dont take any decisions. Yet, they will never cry and ask for it.

So after thinking a bit about it and getting an idea from someone I realized that there is no harm in making this special day special for "daddy the great". After all it will just make him feel a little more important and because he never asked for it.

Why do they do it?

List of things people do that I cannot stand:

One:
Phone rings. Remo answers the phone.
Remo: "Hey dr how are you man? Long time"
dr: "Yeah, obvisouly you are too busy to call me so I thought I will call"
Remo: "Oh!! no dude nothing like that, just been busy with .........."
dr: "Yeah I know you are the only one busy with everything"
Remo: "Come on man, its not like you call me everyday. You've also called after ...... "
dr: "Who is the one who is calling right now? You just complain all the time"
Remo: "Ok dr what is it that you want?"
dr: "Nothing. What you think I have called you for something? I cant call you just to ask how you've been doing?"
Remo: "No you can, but in the past you've rarely called me for nothing."
dr: "Yeah yeah yeah, are you coming tonight?"
Remo: "See I knew there was something".
dr: "Ok whatever, are you coming?"

I cannot stand people who complain that "you have not called for weeks". Well, neither have you my friend but unlike you I am not complaining. And more importantly you have called for some work and pretend that you were thinking about me. That is just dishonest.

Two:
I cannot stand people who talk about themselves all the time. I mean come on, let it go, switch the topic - lets talk about the world coming to an end, high food prices, issues with Pakistan government, earthquake in china, Bush, Obama, Clinton, god damn Jerry Springer, anything, any @#$%^&* thing but you.

Three:
I cannot stand people who tell you stuff about you with so much confidence that you feel you dont know yourself at all. If that is not enough, people actually say things about you in front of others in your presence, making it sound like the most matter-of-fact thing about you anyone could ever know.

Four:
I cannot stand people who believe in their analysis of others so much that they cannot change their point of view because they have learnt to trust themselves. I have no issues with that, but the problem arises when that point of view becomes so strong that they are not willing to accept that others can change for the better.

Five:
I cannot stand people who ask questions about you all the time. What, where, who, with, why, when - are you stupid or what? Even Sergey and Larry would not be able to come up with an algorithm to answer all those questions. (Now someone will ask who are they? grrrrrrrr)

Six:
I cannot stand people who do not forgive and forget and pretend that they do. Most of the people I have seen in my life neither forgive nor forget. Those who do forget never forgive and only pretend that they forget. It is hard, no doubt but practice makes a man ( and a woman for that matter) perfect.

Seven:
I cannot stand people who stare at you or at others. This is usually something women complain about men, but I have seen women who stare at other women and men. I wonder what goes through their minds at the time?

Eight:
I cannot stand people who disrespect. By disrespect I dont mean they go around swearing or slapping people in public but rather disrespecting when they talk and make it sound like they are just cool and being themselves. I dont quite understand why do people think that respect is only in the heart. No it isnt. If that was the case, why does one call upon God with humility, speak to parents with respect? Every kid in school and at home is taught to respect teachers and elders. For me, if you dont respect someone in your heart, you will not talk with respect either.

Nine:
I cannot stand people who shout or even talk harsh to waiters in restaurants if their order goes wrong or the food is not as good as they expected. I even know some people who talk as if the person waiting is not a waiter but a servant. My questions to such people, "Have you worked as a waiter?". "Have you not gone through a bad day at work ever?" Cut the person some slack will you? Let it go. Give him/her the benefit of the doubt that they are having a bad day or they dont feel healthy or they had a fight with their spouse or anything that you can think of has happened to you which made it bad at work for you.

Ten:
I cannot stand myself for doing some of these things.

Beirut

It is hard to accept, but people in Lebanon are not that bad. The impression in Dubai is that they are mean and to themselves and a whole bunch of other stuff, but the common person in Beirut is simple, stylish, extremely ... extremely ... extremely proud of being a Lebanese, and kinda friendly as well. (All the waiters were friendly and I have not gone shopping but I am sure I will be given better treatment than I get in Zara)

Needless to say, women are just out of this world. They are fashionable, sexy, kinda mean (I've only heard that - obvisouly a desi like me would never go and talk to one because of sheer fear of embarassment that she might say something in French that I would would not understand and a hundred people around would laugh at me thinking "nice try habibi, but you aint LIBANAISE sucker !!!".), and yeah they are always alongwith other men who just dont look good at all (no I am not jealous !!! Its a fact!).

They have Super Clubs in Beirut. My weird imagination did not want to think too much about it but then a colleague just made it very clear what these places are. Lets just say, I saw a beautiful bazar in Byblos and a Super Club close to it reminding me of Sultanahmet in Istanbul and Pat Pong in Bangkok. Its a "PIMPING" place - literally.

We had lunch at a restaurant on a high cliff in Byblos overlooking the ocean. Whoever does not believe in God, please visit this restaurant and you will definitely change your mind. The food, as expected, was amazing. A colleague and her husband took me out to this place, and they ordered food for me as well. I just binged, because my stomach kept reminding me I am a punjabi and that too a lahori, with a sweet tooth - lethal combination. Interestingly, when I was finished, I was told that all of the food was just starters, the main course is on its way. Yeah, I had the main course as well.

Beirut is not as war ridden as we see on television. However, the civil war and the last three years have taken away a lot from the "Paris of Middle East". You see the military and tanks on the streets but they are just there because of the battle these past few weeks. It is a beautiful place, with a history, culture, and as a colleague put it "a soul". It just makes one wonder what would this place be like if there was no war - but then something needs to satisfy the egoistic needs of all the greedy men of the world.

Arrived in Beirut

- Arrived in Beirut, Lebanon.
- Airpot was quite nice.
- People were welcoming - unlike the ones in Dubai.
- Staying in Movenpick. They dont have wireless internet (losers!!!)

sAy Waaa?

Personally, I think people who work in customer service are the most stressed out individuals in the world (unless you are one of the those guys from the movie "Transformers" picking his nose and selling a credit card). Working cusomter service has its charm (at least that is how I think) - you get the chance to speak to different people and know a lot about the human race only by listening what they have to say.

I wanted to open an account in one of the banks. After sumbitting the webform for information about the product, I was called within 24 hours (impressive). The guy said something for like 3-4 seconds and then waited for me to say something. Silent, I had no idea what to say becaue I did not understand anything he said. Then my lazy memory reminded me that he was simply greeting me. I asked him about the product and he gave me all the explanation in the most difficult british accent I have ever heard. For a moment I assumed he was british (which was surprising because there are no "GREAT?" Britain personnel in customer service). I asked him "Who am I speaking to?" "FA'HH'D" was his answer, in a typical arabic accent with enough weight on the 'h' to make it look like an 'n'.

After some time I wanted to clear out a few misunderstandings and called the bank again. I was happy to hear the british accent again, only this time it was a different "mate".

Me: "I want ............... " blah blah blah.
Accent: "Certainly sir, you can go to any of the branches". Beautifully british.
Me: "but ................ " blah blah blah
Accent: "No problem sir we can take care of it". Kinda British.
Me. "I did speak to ........................." blah blah blah
Accent: "Sir, I am telling you know, that there will NAAT be a any prAblem" Aha !!! Desi.

I have seen so many cases wherein an accent goes bad because it is being put on like a loose fitted shirt. People many a times do not realize it and those who do, try to cover it up by re-cloning it, which just makes it worse. I guess "Crow walked a swans gait, forgot its own" is always true even when if it is said in british accent.

Simple Man

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
it will help you some sunny day.

Take your time... don’t live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you’ll find love,
And don’t forget son,
There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
if you can?

Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
is to be satisfied.

Boy, don’t you worry... you’ll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
is to be satisfied.

(Lynyrd Skynyrd, Shinedown)

It starts with uno.

"Do you lie?" asked the officer in a loud voice, common in the military. "No, sir" shouted Oscar. "Would you lie if I asked you to?" roared the officer again. "Yes, sir" yelled Oscar without too much thought. His answer would have been different a few months ago.

Oscar joined the military academy directly from high school. He could still remember how his hands trembled when he had opened the acceptance letter. All his dreams of becoming a professor were shattered. It also came as a surprise to him; the acceptance. He had tried his best to fail the interview. He did not realize that his father, Mark Anthony, was a high profile General in the army and it was his wish that Oscar joins the army.

It was his first day in the academy. He was just roaming around when he was stopped by a few seniors. He knew ragging was culturally acceptable in the academy. To him, however, it was nothing but a waste of time, misuse of seniority and a disgusted way of having fun. "Where are you going?" asked one. "To my room, sir" replied Oscar. "Don't you know you are supposed to salute and greet your seniors?", shouted another. Oscar had heard this kind of noise almost every other day at home so it did not scare him. "I am sorry sir but today is my first day. I was not aware", replied Oscar. "You were not aware?. That is not an excuse. You need to be punished for misbehaving with your seniors and ......", "but I did not misbehave at all, I just did not know" Oscar cut through the conversation. "That is another punishment. You are saying that your seniors are lying?", shouted the tallest of them and this time Oscar felt a bit scared. He knew he was not supposed to disagree with anything the seniors said. But that is how he was; will not say "YES" to wrong and will not say "NO" to right. "For disrespecting your seniors, you will not have dinner in the mess tonight, and for your peanut sized head, as permanent future reference, get atop that tree and shout at the top of your voice 'I will never forget to greet, or mummy I wont get to eat' until its dark. And, should you even think of getting down I will make sure this continues for the rest of the week. Do you understand?". Oscar just nodded his head in acceptance.

After a few months in the academy, Oscar realized that there is no way he can get out. He had planned so many times of quitting but always thought about his father's reputation. Running away was not an option, for one because the walls of the academy were too high and two it's the army; they will hunt him down and make sure his father is made aware of his actions. He was never the rough 'n' tough type. Although a Genral's son he was never inclined towards wars, guns or fighter planes. Instead he was interested in poetry, philosophy and religion. However, now in the academy he had to pretend to be tough to survive.

It was Fall and he had been in the academy for a full year. He was enjoying his so called "seniority" only because no one would pick on him and for the first time he had the opportunity to be himself. Fall also meant a new batch joining the academy and a completely new set of individuals to pick on.

Raul and Alvin were two new boys in the batch. Oscar would, partly, identify himself with them - Raul because he was a high profile General's son and Alvin because he was a mellow nice boy from a small town with dreams shattered because of his father's own vision for him. They were both completely opposite to each other - Raul was a mischievious, disrespectful crook always on the lookout for new and improved evil, while Alvin would follow the rules and read poetry. Somehow both reminded Oscar of himself.

One day as Alvin was walking out of his class and Raul stopped him alongwith a few seniors. Raul, because of his father's status would hang around with a lot of seniors who helped him in getting out of punishable situations. He also loathed Alvin and thought of him as a sissy roach whose purpose in the academy was just to let people step on him without killing him so as to have another opporunity at it. "Where the hell are you going?" asked Raul. "Back to my room, Raul", replied Alvin as softly as he could. "Speak up loud you squeky little rat. And call me Sir, don't you know who I am?" shouted Raul. Alvin looked around and saw all the seniors looking at him almost waiting for him to make a mistake and they could just eat him. "I am sorry sir, I will not make this mistake again" said Alvin, this time scared. Silent for a moment, thinking of his next move, Raul came up with a punishment for Alvin. "You were going to take these stairs to your room right Alvin?", asked Raul and continued without a response from Alvin. "Take the stairs to your room but make sure you don't walk. Forward roll to your room." Alvin could not believe what he had heard, neither did the seniors. It is common in the military to have punishments but this was way beyond the border line. Alvin had no choice. He bent his back and off he went, rolling down the stairs like a cart wheel only to realize after a while that he could not feel anything. The last thing he heard was "STOP! dont do it."

Although Oscar was used to the military environment, his spirit was not completely dead. He would still sneak out to read about cultures and philosophies at every opportunity. He would meditate and try to find solutions to his problems and understand the true meaning of his existence. One day as he walked out from his room for his class he heard some noise in the corridoor. Curious to know, he walked to the corridoor hiding behind a pillar and peeped to see what was going on. To his surprise he saw Alvin bending towards the stairs with Raul and some seniors watching. "STOP! dont do it" shouted Oscar, but it was too late.

Alvin was in coma for more than a week now. He had hurt his spinal cord and doctors were not very hopeful. The only witness to what had happened was Oscar. Raul and his senior mates were aware of this because they saw him there when he shouted. They simply ran away from the scene and knew that nothing would happen because no one would believe Oscar. Raul had already mentioned it to his father who in turn spoke to senior officials who were ready to carry Raul through it if something goes wrong. Raul had also threatened Oscar not to open his mouth or else he'd be suspended from the academy and his father would have to live with shame and disgust.

Oscar was in a strange dilemma. He knew even if he said the truth no one would believe him and even if someone did, Raul did not do it intentionally. He reminded himself of the situation Raul would be in because then Raul's father would be disgraced. On the other hand poor Alvin was in a coma. Did he deserve this at all? As he was trying to find a solution to his wandering thoughts a senior officer walked into his room.
"How are you Oscar", asked the officer in a very calm voice which surprised Oscar.
"I am well, sir, thank you".
"Please sit down" again the calm voice - this time it scared Oscar.
"I know you are aware of the situation. We have to decide now what is it that we should so that the damage is minimal. Raul's father is a man of honor and so is yours. I dont think we should take any step that would bring a bad name to your families".
"I do not understand, sir", Oscar just wanted to be clear on what was expected of him.
"Alvin is a nice boy and he did not deserve what he got. But whatever happened was more fateful than intentional. I am sure the doctors are doing their best to make sure Alvin is fine". Oscar knew for sure what was coming next. "I dont want to take too much of your time, Oscar, just wanted to make sure you were alright about our plan for this incident. Alvin slipped and hurt himself and no one says anything".
Oscar was quiet for a while looking down in disgust and astonishment - disgusted because it was not justice and astonished because for the first time he felt his spirit was dead.
The officer having not heard anything from Oscar stood up and said, "very well then Oscar. It was good to know that you agree to what we think. We will then see you tomorrow."
As he walked out Oscar stood up saying "excuse me, sir. I have not made my decision yet".
The officer turned around in fury and shouted in Oscar's ear "I am not giving you a choice Oscar. I am telling you what to do. Do you lie"?
"No, sir" shouted Oscar.
"Would you lie if I asked you to?" roared the officer again.
"Yes, sir" yelled Oscar without too much thought.
"Good. It better stay that way" and the officer left.
Oscar's answer would have been different a few months ago.

Oscar did not sleep the entire night. All he thought of was his next step. He never knew choosing right from wrong would be so hard. He kept thinking of the days when he had first come to the academy. His wandering thoughts made him realize his mistake. He never thought it would come to this point and the change around him would change him so much that he would not know what to do. He remembered the first time he had said yes to the wrong and how it all started. If only he did not accept the ragging as part of the culture and had raised his voice to the seniors at that time, then today people would believe him. The more he thought about it the more he understood.

He realized that society is based on individuals who make it and who run it. If at any point there is something wrong happening in the society it has to be stopped. If it is not done, in time it becomes part of the society and is readily accepted as a modern thought replacing the old bane. Multiple examples started flowing in his mind and he analyzed each one of them one by one:

Dirty Politics - he thought - and politicians are part of the society now. It all started with a few dirty politicians and then it spread across cultures and countries and today, a few corrupt politicians are normal.

Prostitution he thought is not wrong any more. There was a time when prostitution was the right of only the upper class. Initially it got accepted amongst The "NOBLE"s of the country who would have legitimate mistresses while they were married. Slowly, the evil spread further into the society and no one wants to be married anymore because it is too much responsibility and no one takes any notice to stop it. Now, pleasure is readily available on the streets and is sold in shops. Women roam the streets looking for customers and it is acceptable because it is a part of the society. Yes, he thought, it all starts with one.

Homosexuality he thought was more acceptable and natural than ever before. GOD has not made everything perfect. Not because HE could not, but because that was not HIS purpose. Humans who are naturally born unfortunate should be acceptable within the society and should have rights to exist. But what happened when evil set into the minds of few. Those who were born perfectly fine but had inclinations towards the same gender decided on their own what to choose. It started of as an unacceptable evil and in time it got acceptable as a "right of free speech". Today homosexuals have rights to get married and people who do not accept it are thought of as unsophisticated and primitive in their thoughts. Oscar asked himself that if a man has inclinations towards murder or rape, should he be allowed to do it? No. Because it is not natural.

Divorce he thought was once the worse thing to happen in a house. Today, it exists as normal as paying bills. People who are married for a long time are thought of as either angels or loosers who could not find someone better their whole life. Whatever happend to sacrifice and sincerity?

Swearing he thought was the worse mistake a child could make. He rememberd the first time he said SHUT UP! on the phone to a crank caller and the beating he got from his father. And SHUT UP! is not even swearing. There was a time when the people would never say the "F" word even by mistake but today it is acceptable as part of daily speech. He thought it all must have started with someone finding its use funny when used multiple times in the same sentence.

Movies he thought were made to entertain people with romance being simple, innocent and beautiful. The touching of hands by mistake would be considered the beginning of a new and lasting relationship. If an actress would kiss a man or show too much skin in a movie she would either be a villain or a prostitute. Today she is a superstar if she does it in real life. If an actor would cheat on his wife in the movie he would be the villain. Today it brings him fame in real life and a bunch of women waiting in line to be with him. There was a time when "BITCH" was a swear word and today it is an essential part of the script.

Oscar went on to think so many wrongs in the society and the increase over time only because nothing was being done to stop it right in the beginning. He was so absorbed into these thoughts that he failed to realize it was morning. He got up, and walked to the restroom and washed his face. As he looked up into the mirror Alvin's smiling face flashed in front of him. He washed his face again and looked into the mirror and saw Alvin's face again, only this time he was in a coma. Frightened he ran outside and stood in the balcony to see the sun rise through the dark. He prayed to God for mercy and kept the thoughts running and finally made up his mind that he will not hide the truth.

In the afternoon, Oscar walked fast to the hospital to see Alvin and let out the truth. The only thing going through his mind was "what would happen to my father and his reputation?"; "what would happen to Raul's future?"; above all "what would happen to my future?". He shunned all the thoughts and kept praying to God for mercy and a solution. In his heart he knew what he was going to do was right but he was also sure that he was not ready for the consequences.
As he entered the hospital he saw a lot of people and doctors around Alvin's room. Oscar's heart stopped. He did not breathe. He knew he was late. How would he forgive himself for knowing what was right and never doing anything about it? He walked close to the room and through all the people and his heart stopped once again. Alvin had his eyes open and a nurse was serving him soup. Oscar's prayers were answered.

Alvin was back from the dead. He was able to speak but was paralyzed neck down. It took five months of physiotherapy to get him back onto his feet. He told the investigation committee the truth and Raul was relieved of his duties and suspended from the academy.

Oscar was happy to see Alvin back. But he was more happy to have made the right decision and decided that he will never accept anything wrong just because it is part of the culture or part of the society. God has made him the best of all beings only because he can think and act. He knew it would be difficult and his patience would be tested but he knew this was just the start, and it all starts with one.

Mae ni Mae

Shiv Kumar Batalvi

Roller coaster math

Calculations have never been my strong point. Although, I have been successful in Math all through school but for some reason we never got along. All in all Mathematics was never my best friend.

One of the reasons for not keeping Math "in the corner of my eye" was its impractical use in life (in general) and the importance laid on its theoretical education. No matter what the intelligence level, every kid is supposed to get a full 100 in math just because the answers to the questions are either completely right or completely wrong - no credit for effort. Also the total marks define the IQ in many cases. If they achieve a full 100, the topic of conversation in every gathering for every parent is "What grade did your kid get in Math?". If they dont (or rather cant which is worse, unfathomable, unacceptable and many times unforgiving) then the parental fury is unleashed in various forms - some known to humankind and some unknown.

Mathematics certainly has its importance in other sciences - no contest. Directly, in my view, it does not really affect humans at a macro level. Of course there is no 4 if there is no "2" and no "+". With this notion I have spent most of my days looking for one such example that directly affects life at a macro level. It finally struck.

Life, as it is, changes with time and at every level, for each individual, the change is different. For some the change is good and brings happiness, for some it brings sorrow and still for some it stays the same waiting for change.

Within life, there are multiple aspects - big and small - that are bound to change. These aspects in turn combine to change life as a whole. Behavior, mindset, stereotypes, personality, likings, love, affection, hatred etc etc ... all change with time and in turn change the individual. It is interesting to know that all these aspects are dependent on change in aspects that change themselves. Take for instance the most beautiful of all the beings, humans, and the most beautiful of all emotions, love. Every aspect of love is bound to change depending on external factors ranging from relationships to education to culture to geography. In time, as relationships, education, culture and geography change, love also goes through a slow but sure change. This in turn changes behavior, personality and ultimately the person. The same can be applied to the worse of all human aspects, hatred. This constant (sometimes consistent for a short period of time) change, to me, is defined by the trigonometric function SINE.

I remember asking myself and others so many times the importance of studying theory when it has no pracitcal consequence in real life. Most of the questions have not been answered, however I do believe that if I let light pass through a prism at an appropriate angle it will show me a rainbow, else it will just remain distorted.

Thoughts .... limited .... maybe not.

Hey... oooh...

Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay

Were laid spread out before me as her body once did

All five horizons revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun

Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn

Ooh, and all I taught her was everything

Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore

And now my bitter hands chafe beneath the clouds

Of what was everything.

Oh, the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

I take a walk outside

I'm surrounded by some kids at play

I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?

Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head

I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning

How quick the sun can drop away

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass

Of what was everything?

All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

All the love gone bad turned my world to black

Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be... yeah...

Uh huh... uh huh... ooh...

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky,

but why why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine

(Black by Eddie Vedder - Pearl Jam)

Rich forgiving

Work is a real pleasure nowadays. I have come much closer to a lot people because there is so less to do (as in work) and I keep wasting everyone's time. A few days ago, in one of many interesting conversations, somebody mentioned a line that stuck in my head and I thought about it for a very long time.

"What if God allowed humans to buy deeds for the money they have earned in this world?"

Initially I felt lost. I had never given this thought any thought because to me money has always been evil and God would just not allow it. I gave it a thought and realized the importance of not letting anyone carry anything from this world to that.

Dwelling further into this thought I realized that the one thing that would be murdered in every possible form is "relationships". In our world of lies, deceit and resultant paranoia, money already plays an imporant role in turning healthy relationships into U2s "With or Without you" (literally that is) - we need relationships but then money is also important and at some point it becomes really important so there is no other relationship that can exist but the one with money. Today's relationships require money - no money no honey (I hate that phrase so much). From daddy's last will to dowry, every relationship - at some point - has been left lifeless because of this evil.

For years humans have fought and killed each other for money which has, as per Godsmack, left us "raped and drained of an innocence". Pick up any history book and one can see the human history filled with cases wherein money has played its evil role either directly or indirectly. One can contest that Power has also played an important part in destroying human-kind. But then, who is allowed to take "Power" with them at the end of it all? Also, in so many cases money has been a catalyst in the overall spread of evil due to wrong use of excessive power.
Let's take a guess, if God actually allowed the money earned to be exchanged for deeds, who would be the best human being? Warren Buffet (or Bill Gates for that matter. But then, what would happen to all those who filed the anti-trust lawsuits? The doorman of Hell would be waiting). But then what would happen to all the selfless human beings who never had any wordly desires and the purpose of their life was the betterment of humankind?

Money attracts money which inturn attracts vanity and selfishness. Those who are rich want more to be the best, and those who are poor, want more to have enough, and those who have enough want more to be rich. There is just no end to it. Imagine the world coming to an end sooner then it should because humans would do anything in the name of money to succeed in the hereafter. I contest myself that it is not money that is evil but humans themselves. I say, sure - the very reason why money itself would not be held accountable for anything but humans and that too for their deeds, not their money.

Give way to get away

In life there are many instances when God gives us a chance to identify how life is planned for us. Getting away with wrong is one. For some, it is easy to do wrong and get away with it. I guess God has his own way of letting it go for a while before making one realize the right. In my case, most of the time, I get the result of my wrongs immediately. Trust me, I am not complaining.

I was driving on a busy road in deira going to sharjah. I had been waiting 15 minutes to get close to the signal moving only a few inches everytime the light turned green. I was at least 40 minutes away from my destination. There was this middle-aged guy who moved really close to my car and wanted to move in front of me and expected me to give him way. He had two kids in the car with him. I (as a normal impatient soul) made up my mind that I will not let him through.

As the light turned green I accelerated hard enough to make sure he does not get the way almost cursing him as I sped past by him. Naturally I was pissed off and to my surprise - as I looked into the rear-view mirror - so was he. There are moments when one fails to realize the importance to reach somewhere as quickly as possible and not having a choice. It is not a good situation to be in because I failed to realize that everyone is in a hurry - some more than me - and there is nothing wrong in giving way. I was not willing to let these right thoughts take over the wrong ones.

Immediately after crossing the signal I realized that I was in the last lane which merges with the second lane on the left. This guy, although behind me, moved into the lane left to mine. He saw me coming in from the right lane and came close to me looked me in the eye and gestured offering me the way. God just made sure I get a result of my anger there and then. I was too angry and there was too much ego for me to take his offer.

It took a few seconds for me to realize my mistake and cool me down. I cannot forget the face of that guy when he offered me the way. To date it makes me think about my wrong actions and their consequences and the guilty feeling after it. Another learning experience, I must say.